Jokes Thread

Matt_e11
Matt_e11
Grammatically inconsistenPosts: 5,076 in General Discussion
Have you ever wondered why all the fastest running women at the Olympics,or World Track & Field - in fact most events you can think of, are AFRICAN?










Think this might be the reason..
13219.jpg



A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington , IA , to Branson , MO.
As they entered Missouri , an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles..
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!"
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Comments

  • Klang
    Klang
    Ray fucking Purchase Posts: 17,252
    An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

    'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

    'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'

    The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'

    'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".

    'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'

    'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".

    'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

    'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

    On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

    'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!'
  • Tom
    Tom
    Keeping d*d Happy Posts: 11,595
    wenlock_and_mandev_1640094c.jpg
  • Anxious
    Anxious
    ' Posts: 7,228
    [yt]DvHOXiP9O_Y[/yt]
  • Anxious
    Anxious
    ' Posts: 7,228
    The pianist one is class.
  • StisterMeve
    StisterMeve
    Fucky-do Posts: 6,623
    The pianist one is an immensely convoluted version of a classic.
  • Klang
    Klang
    Ray fucking Purchase Posts: 17,252
    Pretty sure that's the original version as told by the guy that wrote the joke.
  • Shiro
    Shiro
    社長 Posts: 15,054
    'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'

    I laughed harder at this song title than I did at the punchline! :D
  • Rotuy
    Rotuy
    Christstollen Posts: 9,835
    9579d1279494487-original-web-design-owdbw.jpg
  • Shaun
    Shaun
    Señor Member Brooklyn, NYPosts: 6,544
    Haha, gold!
  • steharg
    steharg
    Senior Member Posts: 3,013
    little pedro always wanted to be in the circus. he'd ask his mum everyday when the circus would come to town so he could join it.

    years passed and little pedro's love of the circus didn't die.

    one day the circus came to his village. he was so excited and begged his mum to let him go and see the ring master to see if he could join. his mum agreed.

    he went to see the ring master and begged to join the circus. the ring master was reluctant and asked him what his act was. Pedro told him it was the greatest show on earth.

    they agreed to put little pedro on after the clown show.

    later that night, after the clown's finished pedro walked on stage. the spot light fixed on him. pedro walked over to the ring master and passed him a sledgehammer. he asked the ringmaster to hit him in the face - full force - with the sledgehammer.

    the ring master refused; but pedro told him it was all part of the act.

    The ring master stepped up and swung the sledgehammer full force into little pedro's face. His nose collapsed, all his teeth flew out and his face was covered in blood. Pedro was rushed to hospital in a coma.

    Pedro's coma lasted for over a year. His mum visted every day. There were no signs of life. One day pedro's hand moved and the doctor's rushed to the bedside. His mother lent over pedro and asked whether he was alright.

    Pedro sat up slightly and said "TTTAAA DAAARRRR".
  • socreative
    socreative
    deal with it Posts: 8,926
    haha
  • Scopestyle
    Scopestyle
    New vintage Posts: 1,342
    A cunt.

    What do you call someone who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the joke?
  • steveb
    steveb
    BitterHusk Original™ Järvenpää FinlandPosts: 24,097
    Mahatma Gandhi, as you surely know, walked barefoot his whole life which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  • steharg
    steharg
    Senior Member Posts: 3,013
    Steven Hawking went out on a date and when he came back, he had a black eye, 2 broken ribs, and a broken leg. The maid said 'fcuking hell Steven, what happened'

    He said 'she stood me up'


    you lot must know some decent ones... anymore for anymore?
  • moz
    moz
    The 1970sPosts: 6,591
    A bloke is having a quiet drink in a pub, when a tramp comes up and pulls a ferret from his pocket and asks, "Wanna buy this for £100?".

    "What would I want to pay £100 for a skanky, flea ridden ferret like that?" asks the bloke.

    "Well, this ferret will give you the best blow job of your life" says the tramp.

    The bloke reckons the tramp is pulling his leg and tells the tramp to fuck off. The tramp ignores him and says "Take it into the toilet and give it a try."

    Wanting to get rid of the tramp, the guy takes the skanky ferret into the pub toilet. Once inside he unzips his trousers and the ferret gives him the best blow job of his life.

    Amazed, the bloke walks back to the bar, gives the tramp £100, and takes the skanky ferret home later that night. When he gets in, he holds up the ferret and says "Look what i just bought for £100!".

    "Why on earth did you buy a skanky old ferret?" she shouts.

    "This ferret gave me the best blow-job of my life."

    "Well", she says, getting very annoyed, "What do you expect me to do with it?".

    "Teach it how to cook", replies the bloke "and then fuck off.".
  • steharg
    steharg
    Senior Member Posts: 3,013
    haha i like that
  • moz
    moz
    The 1970sPosts: 6,591
    A penguin is on holiday, driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first garage, asking the mechanic to take a look at the car for him. He tells the mechanic he's a bit peckish and the mechanic suggests the diner around the corner and that he should come back in an hour as that's when he closes shop.

    The penguin goes into the diner and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

    After finishing his ice cream, he realises almost an hour has gone and rushes back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up at the pengion and says, “It looks like you've blown a seal.”

    “No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“
  • Shaun
    Shaun
    Señor Member Brooklyn, NYPosts: 6,544
    ^ Haha, I didn't read any of that but the punch line and I'm creasing up!
  • Shiro
    Shiro
    社長 Posts: 15,054
    steveb wrote:
    Mahatma Gandhi, as you surely know, walked barefoot his whole life which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    I like this one :D
  • Kid.
    Kid.
    watching... Posts: 5,717
    Cheryl Cole, Louis Walsh & Simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings. Simon, quick as a flash pulls her knickers down and bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her tight little arse he turns to Louis and says "Your turn" Louis starts crying. "What's wrong?" says Simon. Louis sobs "My head wont fit in the railings..."





    Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife again.

    The Judge asks "why do you keep beating her?". Paddy says "I think its my weight advantage,longer reach & superior footwork!".
  • socreative
    socreative
    deal with it Posts: 8,926
    hahaha
  • Tomsk
    Tomsk
    Clarence Beaks Posts: 192
    A man goes into the doctors to get his test results. The doctor says to the man "It's not great news i'm afraid. You have bronchitis and alzheimers."

    "Oh well," says the man "at least i havent got bronchitis.
  • steveb
    steveb
    BitterHusk Original™ Järvenpää FinlandPosts: 24,097
    A man walks in to a dentist and says “I think I’m a moth.”

    The dentist replies “You don’t need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist.”

    The man replies “I know.”

    “So why did you come in here?” asks the dentist.

    “The light was on.”
  • steveb
    steveb
    BitterHusk Original™ Järvenpää FinlandPosts: 24,097
    Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
  • Rainbow
    Rainbow
    Light and bright Posts: 19
    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
  • Matt_e11
    Matt_e11
    Grammatically inconsisten Posts: 5,076
    Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

    Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

    The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

    The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot ...

    Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'

    'Denise' says the doctor.

    The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought ...'I really like Denise '

    Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

    The doctor replies ' Denephew '
  • logan force
    logan force
    .. Posts: 103
    A New Zealander, an Aussie and a South African were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled carton of beer. All of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol
    is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the beer, they were sentenced to death!

    However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

    By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

    As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

    The South African was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

    This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

    The New Zealander was next up, and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

    The man from Australia was the last one up, but before the Aussie could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
    "You are from a most beautiful country, your Cricket team is the best in the world, your footballers are terrific and your women are very sexy. For this, may have two wishes!".

    "Thanks mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Aussie replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

    "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and
    powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

    "Please tie the New Zealander to my back."
  • Bishop
    Bishop
    Eating out. Posts: 6,898
    thats fucking racist:-P
  • dh
    dh
    aka Mr Hound Posts: 5,431
    My racing snail is not winning races anymore.
    I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic.
    It didn't work.
    If anything its made him more sluggish.
  • moz
    moz
    The 1970sPosts: 6,591
    A farmer said to me "I've got 67 sheep, will you round them up for me?"

    I said "Ok - you've got 70".
  • scrooble
    scrooble
    One Pint or Two Love Posts: 6,562
    Mungo walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with stella?" Mungo says, "I had 12 pints of stella last night and when I came round I was fucking skint." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs the same." Mungo replies, "Skint is my dog.."
  • alzer81
    alzer81
    here me now.. Posts: 3,977
    i saw a gay dwarf on the street today,
    i said to myself "thats a little queer"
  • moz
    moz
    The 1970sPosts: 6,591
    Saw a cherry dancing down the road - it was off its cake.
  • seen.to
    seen.to
    unusual suspect ™ DelawherePosts: 6,371
    Little Johnny's dad took him to the beach.

    As they walked along the seafront Johnny spotted a man selling candy-floss and asked his dad if he could have some. His father gladly agreed.

    Not five-minutes later, Johnny asked his dad for a stick of rock.

    "No Johnny," replied his dad "you just had candy floss"

    "Awww, please please please please please daddy" begged Johnny.

    "Okay, son" Johnny's dad conceded. They bought the rock and continued on their walk.

    Ten-minutes later Johnny asked for a doughnut but his dad refused, telling him; "No, son. You just had candy-floss and a stick of rock – if you eat a doughnut now you'll never eat your dinner".

    "Awww, please please please please please, daddy" begged Johnny.

    "Ok, son" Johnny's dad said as he paid for the doughnut.

    As he licked the sugar from his lips, Johnny spotted a sign 'Donkey Rides - £2.50' and asked his dad for a ride.

    "No, son" replied the dad, "You've just had candy-floss, a stick of rock and have barely finished eating your doughnut. If you ride a donkey now you'll be sick".

    "Awww, please please please please please dad" said Johnny.

    "Okay, son" replied the father as he handed the man the money.

    Johnny really enjoyed the ride and asked his father if they could come back next year. The donkey's owner overheard this and told them that unfortunately the local council had banned livestock on the beach and that he would be selling the donkey so there would be no donkey-rides there next year.

    "Dad, can we buy the donkey please?" asked Johnny.

    "No, son" replied his dad "I'm not made of money you know"

    "Awwww, please please please please please daddy" pleaded Johnny.

    "Ok, son" said the tired father, and they took the donkey home.

    As they were tying the donkey to a post in the back garden, Johnny's dad asked him what he wanted to call the donkey.

    "Wanker" said Johnny.

    "No, son" replied his father "That's a terrible name, where did you even hear that word?"

    "Awwww, please please please please please, dad" begged Johnny.

    "Ok, son" replied the father, completely depleted of energy from the tiring day they'd had.

    Around 2 am Johnny awoke to a loud crash in the back yard and raced to the window – the donkey had pulled the post from the ground, smashed through the fence and was running away down the street.

    "Dad, dad, Wanker's off" screamed Johnny as he ran to his father's bedroom.

    "No, son" yelled Johnny's dad "that's where I draw the fucking line"
  • weldo
    weldo
    if only i was arsed ... Posts: 12,382
    groan ..
  • steveb
    steveb
    BitterHusk Original™ Järvenpää FinlandPosts: 24,097
    A new mother was giving birth in the hospital, her husband by her side. The birth began and the midwife immediately suspected something amiss and hurried the man out of the room. Several minutes later, the delivery was over and the baby was quickly taken away and the mother sedated, the husband reassured with calming noises.

    Several hours later, the parents, now anxious to see their little one, were addressed by one of the hospital's leading doctors, crading the newborn in his arms. "It's bad news, I'm afraid," he said. "Your baby was born without limbs. In fact, it was born without a body." He unwrapped the light blanket from around the newborn and placed an enormous eyeball in the horrified mother's arms.

    "Well, congratulations and we wish you happiness," said the doctor. "Oh, just one other thing before I go - it's blind LOL!"
  • dh
    dh
    aka Mr Hound Posts: 5,431
    Mafia Godfather finds out that his book keeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

    His book keeper is deaf.

    That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

    It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

    Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

    The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Enzo signs back, "OK. You win!

    The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

    The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
  • Dusty
    Dusty
    You Ecks Posts: 11,550
    2 Irishmen find a mirror in the road. First one picks it up and says. "Fuck me, I know that face, but I can't put a name to it."

    Second one grabs it off him and says "you daft bastard, it's me!"
  • key_uk
    key_uk
    Another Member Posts: 1,048
    moz wrote:
    A farmer said to me "I've got 67 sheep, will you round them up for me?"

    I said "Ok - you've got 70".


    I like that one.
  • onecan
    onecan
    Moderator Posts: 5,953
    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Nick
    Nick who?
    Nick Clegg
    Nick Clegg who?
    Just let me in Dave
  • seen.to
    seen.to
    unusual suspect ™ DelawherePosts: 6,371
    I always thought my dad had tourettes. Turns out he just thought I was a fucking cunt.

    I was walking down the street the other day when I bumped right into a midget. "I'm not happy" he said as he turned round. "Which one are you then" I asked.
  • Dusty
    Dusty
    You Ecks Posts: 11,550
    BREAKING NEWS FROM LIBYA:

    France has surrendered.
  • steveb
    steveb
    BitterHusk Original™ Järvenpää FinlandPosts: 24,097
    Hahaha! Shouldn't laugh really. There was some CIA bint on telly just now explaining how the US is only there because France made them join in. Lolled at that, too.
  • moz
    moz
    The 1970sPosts: 6,591
    This was just on Radio 2:

    Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

    The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a council worker.

    To show off, the Engineer called his dog, “T-square, do your stuff.”

    T-square went over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

    Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

    But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said,

    “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”

    Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen biscuits. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 biscuits and argued that the fourth pile was tax deductible.

    Everyone agreed that was good.

    But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

    Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

    Everyone agreed that was very impressive.

    Then the three men turned to the council worker and said, “What can your dog do?”

    The council worker called his dog and said, “CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.”

    CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a compensation claim for unsafe working conditions and went home on sick leave suffering from post traumatic stress.
  • moz
    moz
    The 1970sPosts: 6,591
    Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve your type."
  • giveitago
    giveitago
    Senior Member Posts: 1,437
    "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
  • Kid.
    Kid.
    watching... Posts: 5,717
    So there's a cruise ship going across the ocean...

    and it hits a reef and starts to sink. Nearby, there is a tropical island, but only three survivors make it to the island, two guys and one girl. They patiently wait for rescue, but no rescue comes, so they start living off the fruits of the land and building shelter. Time goes by, and still no rescue, so they start doing what guys and girls do together. After a few weeks, the girl starts to feel really dirty about having sex with these two guys, so she kills herself. The guys are all depressed, but after a few weeks, they start doing what guys do, when you're only two guys stranded on an island. After a few more weeks of this behavior, the guys start to feel really bad, and dirty about what they're doing, so they bury her.
  • Matt_e11
    Matt_e11
    Grammatically inconsisten Posts: 5,076
    Lollipop Ladies...They make me cross!
  • giveitago
    giveitago
    Senior Member Posts: 1,437
    I was with my girlfriend for a while, and I knew it was the right time to say what I wanted to say to her, So I got down on one knee, looked into her eyes, and said, "Look, this is just not going to work out, love. You're just too fucking small."
  • giveitago
    giveitago
    Senior Member Posts: 1,437
    My new girlfriend said I have to wait 6 months before she'll suck my cock. I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call nearer the time
  • MariahLinda99
    MariahLinda99
    Banned Posts: 6
    haha...Its nice...!

    Thankyou.!
  • alzer81
    alzer81
    here me now.. Posts: 3,977
    What kind of key can open any lock?

    A Pikey
  • chips
    chips
    Mr chips to you Posts: 4,401
    A Glasgwegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time. He says, "This is Amanda." His dad jumps up. "It's a fucking what?"
  • alzer81
    alzer81
    here me now.. Posts: 3,977
    I told my girlfriend I got a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said "No, permanent."
  • alzer81
    alzer81
    here me now.. Posts: 3,977
    I said to my wife, "It smells like Upsexy in here" She said, "What's Upsexy?" I said, "Nothing much"
  • steveb
    steveb
    BitterHusk Original™ Järvenpää FinlandPosts: 24,097
    Can we get some humour in here please?
  • alzer81
    alzer81
    here me now.. Posts: 3,977
    eeeh, there's an awful smell of upsexy in here Steve...
  • StisterMeve
    StisterMeve
    Fucky-do Posts: 6,623
    Good call.

    edit: good call Steve.
  • alzer81
    alzer81
    here me now.. Posts: 3,977
    go on then Steveb and StisterMeve.

    give us some humour....
  • StisterMeve
    StisterMeve
    Fucky-do Posts: 6,623
    I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
  • steveb
    steveb
    BitterHusk Original™ Järvenpää FinlandPosts: 24,097
    Pete died and his soul sailed up to heaven. There he met St Peter and Pete asked if he might see his family one last time before entering heaven. St Peter said "Very well but you must go back as a spider."

    Pete thanked him and was turned into a spider and began to descend earthwards. Soon he could see his house, and with an extra effort squeezed out enough silk to enter the chimney... when suddenly he was jerked wide awake and his wife screamed "Wake up for christ's sake - the bed is full of shit!"
  • alzer81
    alzer81
    here me now.. Posts: 3,977
    Tumbleweed.gif
  • steveb
    steveb
    BitterHusk Original™ Järvenpää FinlandPosts: 24,097
    Sod yer then. i'm gonna have forty winks.
  • alzer81
    alzer81
    here me now.. Posts: 3,977
    haha only jokin. it was very good steve. well done.
  • StisterMeve
    StisterMeve
    Fucky-do Posts: 6,623
    Why does Rupert the Bear wear yellow checked trousers?



    Because he's a twat.
  • LittleMick
    LittleMick
    also known as little dick. The Occupied SixPosts: 9,000
    Rupert Bear was the first hipster, FACT!
  • steharg
    steharg
    Senior Member Posts: 3,013
    Similar to that

    Why does Noddy wear a pointy blue hat?
    A: because he's a cunt

    I must admit.. i laughed my head off for about 5 minutes solid when i first heard that
  • Timus
    Timus
    Heaven Born & Ever Bright Posts: 6,433
    Best jokes at the Fringe this year..

    1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

    2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

    3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

    4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

    5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

    6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

    7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

    8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

    9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

    10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."
  • ian
    ian
    éireannach Posts: 1,960
    I was watching Live at the Apollo last night and another comedian had a very similar joke to no 2. listed above.

    I wonder who thought of it first?
  • Nick
    Nick
    Cream of DT Posts: 18,201
    Chaplin?
  • Shaun
    Shaun
    Señor Member Brooklyn, NYPosts: 6,544
    Oui, and I've heard #3 before. Jimmy Carr or sumink
  • steveb
    steveb
    BitterHusk Original™ Järvenpää FinlandPosts: 24,097
    Those aren't very funny either, are they? I suppose you have to be part of the audience with a few lagers inside you.
  • Shaun
    Shaun
    Señor Member Brooklyn, NYPosts: 6,544
    The first one was the only one I liked.
  • StisterMeve
    StisterMeve
    Fucky-do Posts: 6,623
    I enjoyed 5.
  • Giraffe
    Giraffe
    toxic designer Posts: 9,888
    Seems like everyone's solution to shitty humor is to complain about it and then make more of it.
  • giveitago
    giveitago
    Senior Member Posts: 1,437
    I told my mum today that she had drawn her false eyebrows far too high.
    She looked really surprised!
  • Tom
    Tom
    Keeping d*d Happy Posts: 11,595
    tumbleweed%5B7%5D.jpg
  • giveitago
    giveitago
    Senior Member Posts: 1,437
    Fyt
  • giveitago
    giveitago
    Senior Member Posts: 1,437
    I said to my son, "Where you going lad?"
    He said, "I'm off to meet a girl dad"
    I said, "Don't forget to wear a....... you know!"
    He said, "What?"
    I said, "You know.."
    He said, "Do you mean a condom?"
    I said, "No, a fucking hat you ginger cunt."

    * For the record, I am not a Gingist *
  • giveitago
    giveitago
    Senior Member Posts: 1,437
    I bumped into an old friend today, He said, "What you up to these days?"
    I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies and alcoholics."
    He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?"
    I said, "No, i'm a chef in wetherspoons."
  • steveb
    steveb
    BitterHusk Original™ Järvenpää FinlandPosts: 24,097
    A mum takes her eight-year old boy to the flicks. Two minutes into the film the boy says "Mum, can I go to the toilet?"

    "Oh for god's sake, we've only just got here. Watch the film and stop squirming around."

    At the intermission, the boy asks "Mum, can I have an ice-cream?"

    "No, you can't. Go to the toilet!"
  • alzer81
    alzer81
    here me now.. Posts: 3,977
    How do you know if one of your buddies is gay?

    His dick tastes like shit
  • alexflynntweets
    alexflynntweets
    What do you call a fat computer?

    ADell
  • alzer81
    alzer81
    here me now.. Posts: 3,977
    What's the best part of sex with a transvestite?


    Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through
  • Giraffe
    Giraffe
    toxic designer Posts: 9,888
    Oh god.
  • adras
    adras
    1337 Posts: 2,562
    Q: What do you get when you cross a hit of acid with a birth-control pill?

    A: A trip without the kids.
  • socreative
    socreative
    deal with it Posts: 8,926
    Christmas will be different in the Winehouse family home this year. They'll still have a tree, just less needles on the floor.
  • steveb
    steveb
    BitterHusk Original™ Järvenpää FinlandPosts: 24,097
    After three jokeless months, this (stop me if you've heard it)...

    A man goes to the doctor for some tests and when they come back, the Doc says "Bad news, I'm afraid. You have cancer and Alzheimers."
    The man says "Don't feel bad, Doc - at least I haven't got cancer."
  • Matt_e11
    Matt_e11
    Grammatically inconsisten Posts: 5,076
    I owe my life to my daughter, I can't imagine what could have happened, if she hadn't found that lump on my testicle.
  • Shaun
    Shaun
    Señor Member Brooklyn, NYPosts: 6,544
    steveb wrote:
    After three jokeless months, this (stop me if you've heard it)...

    A man goes to the doctor for some tests and when they come back, the Doc says "Bad news, I'm afraid. You have cancer and Alzheimers."
    The man says "Don't feel bad, Doc - at least I haven't got cancer."

    That joke's almost as old as you.
  • steveb
    steveb
    BitterHusk Original™ Järvenpää FinlandPosts: 24,097
    What joke?
  • alzer81
    alzer81
    here me now.. Posts: 3,977
    I just found a note that says "Dial-a-Party" and a phone number..............

    I believe this calls for a celebration.
  • Dan_Dan249
    Dan_Dan249
    Massive member Posts: 879
    Exit Signs, they're on the way out.

    Velcro, there's a rip off.

    Q. What's the difference between Jill Dando and a black cab?
    A. A black cab can take five in the back.

    Q. What's the worst part of having sex with a six year old?
    A. Getting the blood stains out of the clown suit.

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    Dyslexic Dwarves; They're not big and they're not clever.
  • Nick
    Nick
    Cream of DT Posts: 18,201
    Fuck, even your jokes annoy me.
  • alzer81
    alzer81
    here me now.. Posts: 3,977
    I've only ever had one splinter, hopefully it wont happen again...

    Touch wood.
  • Nick
    Nick
    Cream of DT Posts: 18,201
    Young Andy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

    The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some badnews. The donkey's died.'

    Andy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

    The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

    Andy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

    The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

    Andy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

    The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

    Andy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

    A month later, the farmer met up with Andy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

    Andy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'

    The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

    Andy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

    Andy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .
  • pmek
    pmek
    Banned Posts: 9,297
    Dan_Dan249 wrote:
    Q. What's the worst part of having sex with a six year old?
    A. Getting the blood stains out of the clown suit.

    I'm not sure I get this one...
  • Nick
    Nick
    Cream of DT Posts: 18,201
    Same. I think this might be a confession.
  • StisterMeve
    StisterMeve
    Fucky-do Posts: 6,623
    The implication is that the perpetrator is a clown. A clown who has sex with children. Violent clown sex.
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